That's how Im feeling about the depression lately, Im feeling like Im letting it take over me and letting it win. I dont even know why the hell I take meds for, its like they dont friggen work some days, today was a classic example of the meds not friggen working, might as well be taking lollies, thats the effect they have on me, at the moment. I dont know if it has something to do with good ole AF being around that theyre not working or maybe I just need the full dosage of 100mg.
I dont want to go up in dosage though, if anything I want to come down. I was on edge all day today. Paige had about 5 horrible nappies again and of course I started worrying myself sick again. Then she started being clingy all day from the moment I got home from the gym, she wouldnt leave me. Then I started getting snappy with her because honestly, as much as I love her, it feels like I have attatched to me all day long. She is cutting eye teeth at the moment so I guess she is just not well from that, and her tummy has been making all sorts of strang noises so I guess there is something going on with her tummy as well.
Please dont think Im a horrible mum for saying what I said, its just that I feel that Im always carrying her because she wants to be picked up all the time, and if I dont she starts to cry and carry on. Take this arvo for example; I wanted to take a shower as I hadnt had one in the morning, I shut the door and I could hear her cry and scream and bang on the door to come into the bathroom. I just stood there and sobbed under the water, I cant take it at the moment, Im not coping with all this clinginess. I cant even have a few moments to have a shit or a shower without her wanting to be near me all the time.
I know I sound like an evil mother but bloody hell, cant I have a few moments to myself? And when I complain, smart assed Rob pipes up with "Well you are a mum." Yeah Im a mum but that doesnt mean I have to be attached to my children 24/7. Its okay for him, he pisses off to work while Im home with the kids all day, every day, and while I love being a stay at home mum, my job doesnt end when he gets home! If the kids are sick and get up during the night, its ME who gets up at night for them, not HIM. He lays there snoring his goddamn head off, waking up occasionally to ask me stupid questions like "Why is she crying?" or "Whats wrong with her?" Fuck off and go back to sleep and dont ask dumbass questions!!!
If I so much as open my mouth to say Im tired or to complain that I want to go to sleep, I get the "Well youre the mum" comment again and he thinks that being a mum extends to being HIS mother! We had a huge fight last week because he thinks that I should take care of him as well as the kids, to which I told him if he wants a mother to go home to his parents' house because Im his WIFE not his mother. Im so angry and sad at the moment and worried about Paige.
I wish she could tell me what is wrong with her, tell me where it hurts, instead I have to guess and diagnose. She was as right as friggen rain yesterday, having fun with my mum and Summer, today she woke up fine then by this arvo the horrible nappies started again. I dont want to run to the GP every five minutes, but I just worry about her so much. I wish I could just chill out and not worry, I wish she could talk, I wish the runny shit would just fuck off to where it came from!!I WISH I WASNT DEPRESSED!!
Cant wait till my GP comes back from holidays as I really need someone to talk to, I cant stand the way Im feeling at the moment. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything alright.
3 comments:
First off, your new layout is so cute!
Aww, Miss D, I wish I could be there to offer some support, make you laugh, and give you a big hug! I'm very good at it, if I do say so *snort* Seriously though, I hope Paige's tummy ailment goes away soon and for good! Is there anything she can take for those runny "movements" like us adults can?
As for Rob, well ain't those insensitive comments just like a typical man *rolls eyes*
I hope your doctor can help you with the appropriate dosage of meds to take the edge off your depression. A good friend since childhood has also suffered from the same thing for many years, and she's had her meds tweaked several times as she gets older and her life situation changes.
All the best to you, darling friend. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers to feel better {{{{hugs}}}}
xoxo
You are NOT a horrible Mom for feeling that way Danni. Nobody can live without some moments to themselves during the day, and just because "you're a mum" doesn't make that any different, as you're still human.
Sorry to say, but Rob needs a serious wakeup call about this.
I understand you're not wanting to run to the doctor each time Paige has a problem, but is there a health-line phone number there you can call? Here we have one; we can call and talk to nurses who ask questions and give advice. If it's something they're not sure about they'll send you off to your doc, but at least they can deal with a lot of things over the phone and save you trips to the doctor's office for every little thing.
I feel for you about your depression honey. I wish I could help, I hate when my friends are hurting. :-(
Maybe a "different" med will help more?
((((((((HUGS!!)))))))
I'm really sorry to read you're down atm, Danni :( If it offers you any consolation at ALL, please know that I read this post and nodded allllll the way through because it smacked me with familiarity. Just swap kids' and husbands' names...
I get so angry hearing about guys with this sort of attitude. Sorry (because I have no real right to be mad at someone I've never met), but it just gets me so riled that they have that attitude!
Your pp's comment was a good thought: it's Nurse On Call here. Do you have the number? I've used it a couple of times (including during the dreaded hand, footand mouth stage last year) and they were far more helpful and caring (and soothing!) than going to GP's office.
Ph 1300 60 60 24 (Vic.)
And WRT the depression... man, it is SUCH a huge dark cloak to wear. I can truly understand and sympathise. It is so exhausting, it's no wonder Paige's extra clinginess atm just feels like it's going to break you. Crying for release is a good start. Please don't feel guilty for those tears, Dan. It doesn't make you bad or insensitive to your children's needs. God, you are so devoted and have so much going on... you're allowed your tears, dude!
xox Thinking of you.
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