I went to see my GP yesterday, only it wasnt him I saw, I saw another Dr, who is his Daughter in law, she was lovely too. I had to do something about this godawful depression that has come back to go a few rounds with me. I just explained that I need to talk to someone and I need an increase in meds or new meds because the 75mg of Zoloft just aint cutting it at the moment. Ive been feeling like this for about 2 months now. Again I burst into tears because I feel so hopeless.
I told her everything, how Im just under stress and I feel like Im snapping at everyone, and that Im having stupid, irrational thoughts again and that basically I just hate being me at the moment. So she did a mental health care plan and told me to make an appointment with my GP's wife who is a psychologist there at the clinic and finally she increased my dosage to 100mg of the Zoloft. I really hope that this works. I know this morning I woke up like a bear with a sore head and basically I was feeling sorry for myself.
Ive been feeling sorry for myself for the last few weeks. I feel resentful. I feel hard done by and really I have no need to feel that way! I have a roof over my head, two gorgeous children, a husband who loves me ( but that sometimes drives me bananas and is probably a bit of the cause of my stress at the moment), yet I still feel hard done by. I am having a tough time with Paige, and having a pre schooler is difficult at the best of times, without the child having a disability. I think thats why Im feeling resentful and hard done by at the moment. Basically, I dont like the hand Ive been dealt. Im starting to think again that I mustve done something really wrong for my first child to have been born with a disability.
I love Paige, I love her so damn much, but its hard, very hard! I feel resentful that I have to deal with this. I feel resentful that Im suffering depression. I know I shouldnt complain too much, other people have had it tougher than me, but life just sucks the big one sometimes. I thought I was over the grieving but obviously Im not. Im just looking forward to seeing my psychologist, I need to get rid of this baggage thats wearing me down emotionally. I need to stop the resentful feelings, I need to stop the irrational thoughts, I need to focus on MY life and ME, not other people and what they have or havent got.
Ive been throwing myself into my pump classes and when I go to the gym it makes me feel so good and I leave on a high. I started on my 100mg of meds today and I hope that this is the beginning of me getting better. I really wanted to come off the meds this year but I dont think that will be happening, I may need to be on them for a long while yet.
I just want to be happy again, thats all Im asking.
4 comments:
Hang in there Danni girl, talking to your psychologist and the new meds dosage just might help like you need. Good luck!
It's great that you can see when things are not quite right and get help.
Hopefully with the extra meds and talking to the pschologist there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
You were dealt the hand you were dealt with because you one VERY SPECIAL person Danni. Don't you forget that.
Paige was needed a mummy just like you who would be as loving and caring as you are towards her. Remember she CHOSE YOU as her mummy because she knew you would be the right person for it.
I hope you start to feel better soon Danni. You deserve to be happy. Thinking of you.
Well I think you're amazing. Sometimes it's just so hard to see it for ourselves - the good job we do, the good things we have to be thankful for - when it's shrouded in "the hand we've been dealt". The key to unlocking the dread, I suspect, is to become truly 'ok' with what we walk with.
Sorry. That sounds so preachy :( I don't mean at ALL to preach. Just wanted to nod, really, and say I understand so much of what you're saying. Keep going and doing your workouts, it is one of the best things you can do for yourself xxx
Post a Comment