Feeling A Bit Blue

Felt horrible this weekend, it started off with a sore throat on Friday and then I just felt pretty blah all weekend! On Saturday I went to the gym and did the Combat/Pump/Attack launch and was feeling okay until we started Body Attack.  We only did 3 tracks but I was feeling horrible by the end of the last track and then when Combat started I was feeling pretty sick.  When I got home I had a headache and just felt drained.

Yesterday I didnt feel much better, and emotionally I wasnt feeling very flash either.  Today I still felt queasy in the tummy and had to force myself to eat and I was in tears a few times too.  Im just feeling so sad and if I had one wish it would be for Paige to start talking.  I feel so frustrated and I know she would be feeling it as well as she tries so hard to tell me what she wants by pointing and vocalizing, but the way she does it, it sounds like she is whining and I cant handle it, then I start getting angry.

I try to ignore it but it gets to me.  I know its not her fault, she is trying.  I just wish that God would help her and help her start talking.  I long for the day she says "I love you mummy."  My heart breaks that she cant talk properly.  She cant tell me what upsets her, or what she is afraid of, or why she is angry, its all guess work! Today at Occasional Care, Lisa the coordinator said she was a bit sad this morning.  I asked her how she went for the rest of the day and she said she was fine afterwards.  I just had a good old cry.

When I think Im over the mourning, it starts all over again.  I feel so friggen depressed at the moment.  I feel like the worlds worst mum because Im losing my patience with my girls.  They dont deserve to have a mum like me, a grouchy mum who is upset all the time, Im just really hating myself at the moment :(