They Want A Piece Of Me

Im having a tough time at the  moment, honestly, I just feel so down and my temper has a very short fuse on it at the moment! Paige is being your typical 3 year old and being very trying this past week.  Ive accepted the fact that she has given up her day sleeps (hey it was bound to happen),  but she has been so cranky and has thrown a few wobblies this past few days if  nothing has gone her way!

Tuesday I decided to give Toilet training another go and we failed miserably, my own fault really as Im not consistant with it, but I put her in undies and first she did a poo in her pants, then thru the course of the day she peed about 3 times in her pants, always after I put her on the potty.  I decided to use the potty so I can keep an eye on her without having to sit in the tiny toilet and sing to her, instead she could watch Hi 5 while waiting on a wee.  It kind of worked, she stayed on the potty for more than 30 seconds but nothing happened.

Then I thought after Summer woke up from her nap Id take them for a walk up the street, just walking, no prams or trikes.  While Summer is happy to hold my hand, Paige doesnt want to hold my hand and is constantly running up ahead, when I tell her to stop and wait she stamps her feet and starts making angry grunting sounds.  She just doesnt want to have a bar of holding my hand.

Today in the supermarket, she kept running off or when I wanted to hold her hand she would just stop and sit down and not move.  I dont pull on her arm as Im scared Id dislocate her arm and Id never forgive myself if I hurt her.  Yesterday while I took them for another walk, she didnt want to cross the road holding my hand so she forced the tears out and started throwing a tanty.

At night, its a competition between Paige and Summer as to who gets to sit on my lap first.  If I put Summer sitting near me she starts throwing a wobbly because she aint getting her way! Summer doesnt want to have anything to do with Rob, and nor does Paige, at the moment, they just dont want to leave me alone and honestly, Im feeling very suffocated. I know I shouldnt feel this way but Im with them all day, every day, the only day I get a break is when I take Paige to occasional care. 

I feel that Paige is behaving the way she is because she is feeling left out and she is thinking Summer is getting all the attention.  I havent even been putting them to bed at the same time because Paige just cries, even though she is soooo tired.  Ive been having some Paige/mummy bonding time, because Im sure she thinks I dont love her as much and that is so not true. 

I actually had an arguement with Rob last week (surprise!), because I have organised some in home respite by the council, someone will be coming once a week for 2 hours to look after the kids while I have some "me time." When I told Rob he wasnt impressed.  He doesnt understand that anyone looking after someone with a disability is entitled to this, its not because I want to go galivanting and painting the town red!  He expects me to call on my family or his to come look after them, and its not always convienient, especially since his parents work during the week, and my mum and grandma live an hour away.

As the primary carer for Paige, Im entitled to some respite.  Thinking about this makes me so angry! Its okay for him, he gets to go to work, while I have to stay here all day every day looking after the kids, doing the housework, cooking, going shopping and so forth, I dont sit on my ass all day long.  I dont even get a free minute these days because theyre always wanting to be with me, even when Rob is home in the evening!  Before theyd happily go and play with him in the lounge while I did the dishes, but now they cling to me like a couple of leeches.

Ive lost count at the amount of times Ive burst into tears this week!  I wish I had a bloody punching bag and some gloves so I can just punch out my frustrations, Body Combat isnt cutting it this week!! Im sorry for the whinging post again.  It seems like thats all I do, whinge about my girls.  You probably think I dont love them and that Im a horrible mum, but I do love them, and Id put my girls first, before me, before Rob, anyone, but sometimes, motherhood just gets too much.