I think Ive mentioned before that Im suffering from depression again. Im on Zoloft and its finally kicked in, but I still have my bad days :( I really, really wish that I didnt have this illness, I wish I could be a normal happy person without anti depressants to make me happy and appear normal to everyone I meet!
We had Paige's party on Sunday and I had one of those bad days! Even though I had a "happy" exterior, I was being eaten away inside. I was bursting into tears whenever I was alone or whenever I saw my MIL holding either Paige or Summer! I dont know why my MIL bothers me so much, I dont know why I cant stand her near my children, all I know is that its horrible to feel this way and not know why!
My MIL says things that are really fucking stupid! When I was in hospital after giving birth to Summer, she came to visit and one day she basically hovered over Summer's cot while she slept. She wanted to pick her up but I said no not while she is sleeping. I could tell she wanted to desperately pick her up but no, I wasnt going to give in. Then she was whining that she wanted Summer to open her eyes (insert tearing hair out smily here) She was going "Why dont you open your eyes for nonna?" In her whiny voice. Then she said after Summer wouldnt wake up, "Oh if youre not going to open your eyes for nonna, then Im going home" I swear she sounded like a spoiled child!
Then on Sunday, she said to my cousin, "Summer is always asleep when I come over, I wish she would open her eyes"....OMFG!!!!! I felt like smacking her one in the puss! But calmly I said "I dont want her to open her eyes I want her to sleep" and my cousin said "Yeah when its your own child, you want them to sleep". My MIL turns into some sort of spoiled kid when it comes to the grandchildren! Always wanting them to do what she wants! And she starts talking in friggen baby talk for fuck sake! I CANT FUCKING STAND IT!!!!!!
On Monday she called and said to Rob "Oh I didnt hold the children much because I wanted your sister to have a hold of the children". Well, you couldve fooled me! She was all over Paige like a bad rash! And my SIL wouldnt know how to hold a baby even if it came and hit her on the head!
I know I sound like a harsh bitch, but its the depression doing this thing to me! Ive had so many horrible thoughts about my mother in law and how I wished she wasnt around, yes I feel bad but I dont know if the feelings are ever going to go away. I do wish they would, honest and truely I do wish they would go away. My mother told me to be nice on Sunday and I was basically ignoring my mother in law so I wouldnt snap her head off whenever she said something. I know it was grating on me whenever she said "Paige, come and give nonna a hug" I think I actually screwed my face at one stage and my sister in law saw me and asked me what was wrong to which I innocently replied "Nothing" when actually it was totally opposite, I was hating every minute of it!
Sorry about this post, but I have to get it off my chest.
4 comments:
Aww Danni girl that must be so hard to get through. I'm sorry you're suffering from this. Is this something that always plagues you or only directly after giving birth?
I wish you peace darling! **hugs**
I hope your depression eases soon, Miss D. Prays & hugs to you, dear one. xoxo
Jude, Ive been battling depression since after Paige was born, its horrible and I wish it would leave me alone! I only feel happy when Ive had my meds, if I forget to have one Im feral :(
Give Zoloft a chance to kick in. It usually takes 3 weeks to start feeling relief. As for your cousin and MIL, good for you for laying down the law. Remember -- you are the mother and what you say goes.
Hope are you getting the relief you deserve. Peace, Danni!
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