A Tribute To My Nana 02/02/1934-05/08/2011

This is a little hard to write, but I wanted to pay tribute to my wonderful Nana who passed away last Friday August 5.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, my nana was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year, she had it removed and was doing great as she was doing chemo.  Mentally though she was stricken with fear, she couldnt even mention the word "Cancer".  She was doing great on chemo, had no nausea, no hair loss, but did feel fatigued, until her 3rd round of chemo which was her last.  It played havoc with her immunity and because she had no spleen (it was removed during the surgery) she had no immunity.

She went to hospital with a fever and shortness of breath and after tests and x-ray of her chest, the hospital said she didnt have pneumonia but her white blood cell count was high.  She was discharged and the following morning went back to hospital because she got worse.  This time though she went to a different hospital where it was found she did in fact have pneumonia after all!  She was put on oxygen and antibiotics.  On the Thursday I was talking to my mum and she said she was doing not too badly but then later on that evening I got a call saying my Nana was taken to ICU as she had had a turn for the worse!

She was put on BiPap but it didnt seem to be doing much for her.  Mum told me I should go and visit her in hospital on the Friday and I was in total disbelief that this was happening! My heart was breaking.  After I dropped the kids off to school and day care I made my way to the hospital and we took turns at seeing her but in all honesty I didnt want to see her all hooked up to machines.  When I did see her my heart sank! She looked the shadow of her former self! She was so frail looking and I didnt want to believe that this was my Nana. 

The Dr who was looking after her in ICU wanted to try putting a tube down her wind pipe under sedation but she refused flat out to be on life support, she was afraid of becoming a "vegetable" to quote her.  She made it clear she didnt want to be revived if her heart gave out, and she made it clear that she wanted to stay conscious until the end.  She wanted to be able to talk to her family and not be under sedation.  I left the hospital around 1.30 cos I had to pick up the kids and it takes me an hour to get back to Bacchus marsh from the city.  The last words she told me before I left was to drive safely, she was worrying about me and she was very ill.

Later in the afternoon my mum called and told me that my nana asked the nurses to remove the BiPap mask and to put nasal prongs on her and she died peacefully soon after!  I was absolutely devastated! It was like my heart was ripped from inside of me.  Her funeral was last week and it was a lovely service, so very fitting.  I didnt do the viewing part, I just couldnt, I wanted to remember her my own way.  Its been 11 days since she passed away and Im finding it hard to cope with her passing.  I go to pick up the phone to call her and I remember that she isnt there anymore.  I used to call her every day and go visit regularly, although now that Paige is in school I didnt go during the week.

I wish she could have seen the girls one last time before she passed away, I wish I could just give her one last hug and tell her that I love her, I miss her so much.  I get thru most of the day okay but its the quiet times when Im alone that I just fall apart, Ive never had to deal with grief so close to home before, and I dont like it one little bit.  I know that in time it will get better, but I personally believe that I will be grieving for a long time to come.

RIP Nana, we shall miss you very much xo