Coming To Terms With It All

Its been almost 3 weeks since my Nana passed away and I still havent really come to terms with her death!  It all just seems like a bad dream and I keep thinking that Ill just wake up and she will be there! Since the funeral Ive been having my moments where I will be fine one minute then Ill start thinking of her and Ill just burst into tears.  The girls, especially Paige will ask me where "Big Nanny" is, I tell them that she is now an Angel in Heaven, watching over us.

When I go to her house to visit my grandfather I always think she is just going to reappear from the other end of the house.  I keep going to pick up the phone to give her a call and I have to remind myself that she is no longer with us.  I used to give her a call every day around 3.30 in the afternoon.  Today for example I wanted to ring her and tell her about Paige getting her glasses and I remembered that no I couldnt give her a call anymore.  The first few days after the funeral, Id sit down and while Id have a quiet moment Id begin to think of her buried 6 feet under in the cold ground and that would just make me start crying.

On Saturday that just passed we went to the cemetary to visit her grave and I was okay until I saw that the hole had been covered and the remainder of the floral wreaths were placed over it, the emotion of it all hit me like a tonne of bricks.  I stood there and chatted with her a little, told her what the girls had been up to, then we went for a walk around the cemetary so I could show Rob the grave of my nana's parents (my great grand parents) and my aunts and uncles.  I had a bit of a laugh because I thought that my Nana wouldnt be alone, she had her parents, her sister, 3 brothers in law and 2 sisters in law all buried around her so they were all probably having a cup of tea and a chat up in Heaven.

Ive decided that Im going to get "Nana" tattooed on my wrist so I can have her with me all the time, I know she would disapprove as she didnt like tattoos nor did she like my nose being pierced (she was from the old school after all) but Im going to do it, just as a reminder of her.  Today I had a good day, I made it thru the day without crying, but my heart still aches, she has left a huge void in our family.